


The Easy Part

by LaneD



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Episode 109 spoilers, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:27:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26417185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaneD/pseuds/LaneD
Summary: Life is hard. Life needs a mask.The easy part is a memory.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 5
Kudos: 46





	The Easy Part

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to stop myself. I really did. But I can't.

There’s a brief moment that he let himself feel happy. The emotions that lingered as the Mighty Nein left Rumblecusp are easy to let bleed into his eyes, and it’s just so easy to let himself smile – to laugh. As they arrived in Nicodranas and Jester just knew what he was going to do before he himself could even say it – it struck Caleb.

She’d noticed him.

The thought was sobering – _Ja_ – but for a moment, he let himself think that maybe. _Maybe_. He’s not the same person he was nine months ago, not the same person he was on the day his programming overcame his nature.

It’s the memory that’s sobering. The brief thought of his _before_ that brought him back, rooted to reality. He is the same, tortured – evil even – monster he has always been – he’s just surrounded by this group of wonderful, chaotic, people who want him around for some reason. Who see a value in him that Caleb cannot see in himself.

That evening he struggled to fully devote himself to the splendor of Marion’s performance. It’s impossible to miss how the red woman’s eyes drift to her blue daughter, the love and emotion pouring into every line. How is it possible that this beautiful, chaotic woman can entrap all who know her so well? Caleb could almost assure himself that she inspires a protective nature, but he would be fooling only himself. Jester needs protection from the world far less than he needed protection from the reality of the situation…. She is magnetic. Her enthusiasm for life – contagious. Without even trying she pushed the people around her to do good – to be better.

 _Verdammt_ him for not realizing until too late that he had fallen.

Now it was all he could do to keep his mask in place. To hide his emotions from the blue tiefling.

She deserved the world… and he could never give it to her.

As the evening closed, he fled as quickly as he could from the darkened room, pushing through the crowd and blending as best he could until locked in the safety of his room to sleep. To dream of the what haves and the what ifs.

* * *

  
The next morning he struggled to maintain his mask as Jester reached out to Lady Vess, her smile intensely invigorating. But he must be _stark_ – strong – and tamper his emotions as he and his friends delve deep into the heart of the world that he once called home.

Rexxentrum.

A city of dangerous mages, and even more dangerous information.

The secret of his past drove him back to the sobriety he needed. Talk of fireworks, the Gentleman, and reaching out to the Cobalt Soul a welcome distraction.

The entire time though – Caleb felt his past heavily in the back of his mind. Until Veth reminds him of a promise he’d made to her. To Jester.

 _Vorliebe_.

Caleb struggled to translate the word as it rushed into his head. But the tenderness that took over his body couldn’t stop the next words out of his mouth.

“Both of you,” and he pointed to the two women who stole his heart, “do you have a small, eh-ugm, knick-knack from your home, and the Chateau, that I could hold onto? Something little –“

“Of course,” Jesters interjection hit him before his thoughts could finish formulating. The translation from Zemnian to Common was always a bit rougher when his emotions were involved. “Of course, of course!”

Jester ran off quickly before Veth’s small but firm, “Sure,” even hit his ears. When she came rushing back, a small delicate turtle sculpture in her hands, firmly placed into his own grasp without caution.

“And I can hold onto this?” The emotion can’t even take root before Veth handed him a hm – delicate item – which drew him out of the reverie. _No judgements –_ he has to remind himself of that fact before he can bundle the items – ensuring they are carefully wrapped before he continued, “ _Ja._ I’m still – eh, uhm – ironing out the kinks, but with those things we should be able to go to your home and Jester’s home.

Veth’s “When?” struck him to his core. He could hear the pain and desire she had to stay with her family. To be there. To be the parent to her son that Luc deserved. The kind of parent he had destroyed.

“I mean, anytime. I have not tried it, but ehm, I think that I can do it.” He heard the smile more than he felt it as it took over his face – his eyes drawn to the glee on Jester’s face more than anything.

“Like, once a day? Or –“ He let Veth’s voice pull him away from his _Saphir_.

“ _Ja._ Once or twice a day, maybe,” Caleb kept his eyes on Veth until he heard the small ‘ _What?’_ tumble out of Jester’s lips before his eyes were back on her – his smile creeped slowly back onto his face. “So we can travel with a bit more ease. If it works. And if I have something specific from a place then that makes sure that there’s no, you know, unforeseen problems. There’s a little – little – bit of risk depending on the place.”

“Does it take a lot of energy, to do?” He can’t tell if it’s concern he hears from Jester, or interest in his magic that sparked the question, but Caleb could hear his heart beating in his chest.

“Ugm – _ja –_ well it takes a lot of focus… and, and… uh – a lot of math is involved, but… eh… once you get it down right, you have it. Still haven’t tested it… we could end up inside of a brick wall.”

The conversation continued on, and he could barely remember what else was said before Veth begged to stay – his focus almost completely on Jester until he began to draw out the circle for the Rexxentrum archives.

* * *

  
The entire time the Mighty Nein (minus Veth) walk around his old home, Caleb can barely register when his hand would reach down into his pocket to palm his old necklace. The one he used to hide for so long. It’s there – a burning weight on his thigh – a constant reminder that Trent knows that he his weak. That his friends are the key to destroying him yet again.

He wasn’t sure when it happened, but sometime between the terrifying flirtation he cannot stop himself from returning – “ _You’re on thin ice, Lavorre.” –_ and the laughter and fun of his friends clearing out the goods of a store that he could only dream of as a student, reality struck him yet again.

He had to protect his family.

It was then that every thought, every word he spoke was laden with the understanding that he – they – were being watched.

 _Ständig_.

The decision to take them to the dance hall he and Astrid and Eodwulf would frequent was easy.

The hard part was the moment he saw hope in Jester’s eyes that they might… have something… that she wanted to relive a second in time when Caleb had let his past, his mask, fall away.

The hard part was when he had to push the jealousy grasping his heart aside as he nudged her into Fjord’s arms – so much stronger and safer than his own.

The hard part was when he danced with Beau (who reminded him so much of Astrid – _his_ Astrid – back when they still had the rose-tinted lenses of youth over their eyes) and then seeing the fleeting hope return to his blue friend’s eyes as he came by.

The hard part was when he saw the joy leave her eyes as he took Fjord (who reminded him so much of Eodwulf – _his_ Eodwulf – the one who could still laugh, and smile, and _feel_ ) into his arms, and passed Beau into her outstretched grasp.

The worst part was when they left.

When she spoke the word that almost broke his resolve – the word that still haunted him.

_Caleb._

He had to break away, to get them on the path to DeRogna’s before he let himself drop his mask and show her his real self. Only she could hold that much power with just his name.

The easy part though? The easy part was to remember.

He had to remember.

_Trent was watching._

**Author's Note:**

> Little bit of translation services for those that are interested:
> 
> Verdammt - Damn it  
> Vorliebe - Preference, fondness, special liking  
> Ständig - All the time, constantly, steadily


End file.
